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Getting the Skinny From Biggie

Biggie Bitterman's ride ... Ah, such style!
By D.S. AUFFENORDE
Exclusive to the Kensington City Examiner

Those of you who’ve been following my investigatory column looking into the truth behind Electromancer will recall that I was lying in wait outside the Kensington City Police Headquarters, biding my time until Bigelow “Biggie” Bitterman was released from custody. The city’s chief constable, Pete Petaud, had run Biggie in for reckless driving, a bit unfair because Bitterman is a man of small stature who has trouble seeing over the steering wheel. Nonetheless, Petaud thought it was reckless that Biggie refused to sit on a booster pillow. Petaud’s decision to haul Biggie in on something so minor raised this reporter’s antenna—did Biggie know something about Electromancer, the electrified superhero, or her arch-nemesis, known only as Momo. So when Biggie exited the front doors of the police station, I followed him to the Kensington City Lanes and gave him a few minutes to rent a pair of shoes and select a bowling bowl. Meanwhile, Biggie didn’t look like a man who’d talk to a reporter willingly, so I did what any intrepid girl reporter caught in a superhero-romance investigation would do (think modern Lois Lane): I went to the ladies room, hiked up my skirt and applied some sexy makeup. Others have done much more edgy things in pursuit of that elusive Pulitzer Prize for journalism. The getup worked, because shortly thereafter, I was making eyes at Biggie, asking probing question, and taking notes.

DA: What’s a guy like yourself doing hanging out around a bowling alley in the middle of the day and in the middle of a workweek?
BB: I’m a professional killer … I mean bowler.
DA: What do you know about Electromancer?
BB: The broad is a menace, what with her flying around and shooting electricity out of her fingers.
DA: But tell me this—do you think she’s the one wreaking havoc on Kensington City and around the world. Causing all the power outages? Because, I get the impression that Chief Petaud think’s that you’re involved.
BB: Do I look like the kind of guy who goes flapping my wings and flitting around the place. And I don’t look good in a platinum suit. It has to be Electromancer causing disasters. I do have a question—what do you think happens to that platinum suit when she’s flying at the speed of light? You know, even polyester can’t take that much strain.
DA: No comment. The camp is divided here in Kensington City. Some are saying Electromancer is next to divine, and then there are guys like you who claim she’s the perpetrator of terror.
BB: Let me show you something about guys like me. [Biggie slid closer—all to close—to this interviewer.]
DA: [This reporter got up and retrieved a bowling ball, proceeding to roll it into the gutter because of Biggie’s leering.]
BB: Wait a minute. I recognize you. You’re a cop. On patrol with Chief Petaud.
DA: Not me. I’m a reporter for the Examiner. I’m just trying to figure out if this Electromancer is a real person. A superhero.
BB: Take it from me, she’s no superhero. And if you knows what’s good for you, you’ll walk out that door.
DA: Before I do, tell me about Momo?
BB: Never heard of him in my life. I know nothing about The Big Zapper. Or his plans to take over the world. Or his bizarre eating habits. Or his performance enhancing drugs.
DA: Then why did Petaud run you in? You must know Momo.
BB: Come on, lady, do I look like I could tell a lie. I told you I don’t know the fine gentleman. I’m not criminal type. I’m a bowler. [At this point, Biggie smiled, pulled a switchblade out of his pocket, used it to clip the nails of his bowling hand, retrieved a mega-size bowling ball, stepped to the line, and rolled a perfect strike.] Told you. I’m a pro. Knock ‘em down and they don’t get up—they don’t ever get up.

That was my cue to beat it. Foiled again. I thought for sure a short skirt and red lipstick would get a guy like Biggie talking, but I was wrong. Pillow talk wasn’t in the cards for this reporter. If I were single … well, that’s another story. Ha! Gottcha there.
I was back to square one, which meant I’d have to dig deeper, to check out a few of the secondary sources.

To learn more about the citizens of Kensington City, and the illustrious Electromancer, follow along as I continue to interview folks. And in the meantime, you can also learn more about Electromancer in the romantic, thrilling, superhero novel Electromancer.
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